All Americans Required to Buy a Warehouse Store Membership

The United States Congress should consider addressing two problems at once: the poor state of the economy, and the affordability of every-day goods for families living in Main St. America. Both can be addressed quite easily, by requiring every American citizen to purchase and maintain a membership at a warehouse store like Sam’s Club or Costco. It may even be beneficial for Congress to authorize the creation of a new warehouse membership store, to be run and provisioned by the United States government. (“Stuff Mart” is one possible name for such an effort.) The funds needed for a government option could be obtained by taxing the private warehouse stores up to 80% of their gross profits, or by printing more money.

The benefits of these stores is well known. Low prices on bulk-packaged items, as well as generous food samples in the aisles that can help Americans provide for all the basic needs of their families, saving money that might be useful in the next few years, when our government’s Social Security expenses threaten to make it insolvent. These cost-saving benefits have previously been limited to only a few Americans and illegal immigrants, which has not only deprived them of this basic human right, but also driven up the cost of membership for everyone else. By requiring every American to join one of these stores, Congress would drive down prices for all, while giving the economy another needed stimulus.

Some might claim that a membership would not be much help to them. For example, I live in Oregon, 80 miles from the nearest Costco, in Portland. (Sam’s Club doesn’t even exist in this state.) Someone in my shoes might wonder what good a membership would be, but that would be selfish thinking. We should think instead of the good of our country. How could Congress drive down the membership costs and prices for people living in Portland, if people like me refused to buy our own membership, just because I would seldom shop there? My infrequent use of membership privileges should really be considered a strong reason to dive in and help my fellow citizens, since my membership dollars would come with no strings attached!

Thankfully, far more Americans live nearby one of these stores than live in the sticks, so if it came to a popularity contest based upon personal interests, the few holdouts must eventually bow the neck and bear the patriotic burden of making life easier for our neighbors in the azul states— whether they live here legally or not. Yet I hope that Congress and the American people will see the wisdom in this without much controversy. If necessary, perhaps the legislation could be attached in the eleventh hour to some unrelated, but vitally important and urgent bill like the one about universally mandated health insurance. It should be obvious that the potential good outweighs the lack of honesty, integrity, and wisdom that may be necessary to impose it upon the nation.

2 thoughts on “All Americans Required to Buy a Warehouse Store Membership

  1. You are the satire king, Jesse. This is awesome!

    Just as an aside, your comment, “Low prices on bulk-packaged items, as well as generous food samples in the aisles that can help Americans provide for all the basic needs of their families,” reminded me of a snippet in one of the Janet Evanovich books. The heroine, Stephanie, and her cohort, Lula, were once again broke. when lunch time came, they joined the senior citizens and other people of fixed income at Costco for the great American sample buffet.

    I realize Evanovich is famous for her use of hyperbole, but it wouldn’t be comical if there wasn’t some truth in it.

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